Many years ago I was like you. I'd fall in love, suppress my emotions until it was too late and fall into a pit of angst when it inevitably didn't work out because I'd never tell them anything out of a deep sense of dread and shame. But recently, all of that has ceased to matter, because I went to the South American jungles and contracted a rare flesh-eating disease, voluntarily.

Now I'm too busy writhing in intensive care (something I'd never give myself anyway) to bother turning my mind to their perfect face. I mean, who has time for obsessing over Facebook messages when there's bacteria literally devouring your eyeballs? It feels like such a weight off my chest, which is ironic because the chest is where the largest portion of the disease is concentrated.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!" I used to shout on an hourly basis when I was infatuated with someone, which was often. Now I struggle to produce any sounds at all, as the disease has made its way into my voice box. That also means I no longer have to endure painfully awkward conversations with the beautiful, smart, witty object of my affection and see their twinkling eyes when oh god the disease isn't working abandon ship abandon ship oh god what have I done I'm okay I'm okay, calm down.

My life is great now. True, I'm on extra-strength painkillers to combat the excruciating agony of the bacteria as they systematically gorge on my muscle tissue. But that's nothing compared to the excruciating agony I used to go through when I thought about the possibility of that delightful smile emitting words of rejection and destroying my life. And now I have a flesh-eating disease to destroy it first!

Basically, why let the fear eat you up inside when you can get a disease to do it for you? Such a relief! Besides, no one will love you with half of your skin and organs missing so there's no point even thinking about it. Not that you'll have time in between sleep and tranquilisers administered by a nurse who looks quite cute in that uniform actually I mean nurses like taking care of people so maybe oh no oh my god not again. For fuck's sake.

Nah. Nope. It's no use.

You can never escape.